Hoodia Spam -
Miracle Burn
By Douglas Bower
When we decided to move to Mexico,
one of the most exciting things that popped into my mind was that I
would get a new Internet Service Provider and finally get off the
300,000,000 Spam lists that I was on. I thought for sure I would go
insane if I received one more "How to Enlarge Your Manhood" piece of
Spam—as if I needed to do that anyway (yeah right).
But alas, there are things in life
that you cannot escape no matter where you flee and Spam is one of
them.
The funny thing is, there
apparently is not a market for the "How to Enlarge your Manhood"
spam here in Mexico. I dare not speculate why although I would very
much like to know. I am however, too squeamish to even think of
bringing up the issue with anyone, much less my Mexican pals who
have internet access. Besides, I cannot even begin to figure out how
to ask the question in Spanish—egad!--how on earth would I
translate, "manhood"?
I am going to have a nightmare
over that.
Anyway, I am getting Spam here in
Mexico. They have finally found me. For the first year of being here
in Guanajuato, we didn't have a computer but used the Internet
Cafes. Now that we do, it is as if we have become a spaminator-magnet.
Just how do they locate you?
I wish I had a
Person-who-is-a-Spammer magnet so I could locate all the Spammers
and then give them a good spam-slapping. This morning, I opened my
hotmail account (Oh God! Do you think I've just tipped off more
Spaminators by telling them I have a hotmail account?) and lo and
behold, there was Spam waiting for me!
The subject line read "Miracle
Burn".
Miracle burn? This was the
first time in my life I had ever heard of a burn being a miracle. No
thank you, I thought, burns tend to hurt no matter if you call them
a miracle or not. But, I had to see what this was so I opened the
stupid e-mail. (Do you think opening the thing sends some secret,
"We've got a sucker", signal, over the Internet, to the ones who
sent this me in the first place? Is that how they do it?)
It turns out that this spam was
talking about a fat-burning discovery hitherto unknown to anyone
else on the planet. In all the history of humanity, just now—maybe
even hours ago—someone discovered a new and unknown solution to
burning fat off your overfed and overindulged fat body.
"Miracle Burn—The First Pill to
Master the Art of Natural Weight Loss. Miracle Burn is the first and
only weight loss pill to combine both patented Avantra Z and
Hoodia." Let's stop here and ask,
"What the hell are Avantra Z and
Hoodia"? They acted as if everyone should know what Avantra Z and
Hoodia are. I had to look again at the ad since I thought "HOODIA"
was some person from New Delhi, India, who was selling the stuff.
So, I clicked on the ad (probably a BIG mistake).
Hoodia is supposed to be,
"…the most effective & natural
appetite suppressant available. It contains a compound called ‘P57’,
which is a molecule that makes you feel full."
Will you just imagine that! One
little molecule will bloat you up like a toad so you won't want to
go the Dunkin Donuts and wolf down a dozen or so of something gooey
and wonderful.
I don't know about you but if
someone offered me a dozen or so of compound "P57" (What does the
"P" stand for—don't anyone dare write me and tell me!) or as it is
commonly called, "Hoodia", I would turn and run the other way with a
box of gooey glazed under my arm.
That is today's Spaminator story.
I wonder what tomorrow may bring. In the meantime, I urge you to
stay away from Hoodia or anything that even looks like a compound
named "P57"! |
